Worst Fake ID, Ever

Kuato Lives

Tonight's visit to the rock climbing gym, Planet Granite, started not unlike any other night.  I was a little late to meet my belay partners.  I was a bit sore from doing crossfit the previous night.  And I was excited at the aspect of booking some good lead practice with my buddy.

I started warming up on a modest 5.9 and then on to lead a short 5.10a.  While climbing I banged my right elbow against one of the faux rock holds on the wall.  Hrm.  Didn't seem to notice much and kept on climbing.  In fact, it really didn't phase me in the least.  The only reason I recount this now is due to what happened next.

My right hand feeling slightly fatigued, I lowered it below my waist and shook it out, an action carried out by many climbers to coax the blood flow back into your hands in hopes additional ATP might fuel your muscles for a few extra seconds.  Upon shaking, I felt something weird on my elbow.  Hrm.  Oh well.  Kept climbing.  Lowered from the climb and touching the ground, I raised my arm and looked at my elbow to find a gigantic fluid-filled sack hanging from the backside.  Queue bizarre picture(s):

@#$%!!!  It looks like I have another tricep, but on my elbow!

People in the gym begin to stare.  My partners are shocked.  One covers her mouth to keep from screaming.  The other just screams (a little).  I calmly walk to the front desk, "Hey man, could I get--...." He cuts me short, walks away stating he will return with an icepack.  Yikes.  I guess this thing is easy to notice.

Hell yea, its easy to notice.  The pictures above are after a few minutes when the swelling went down.  As I walk through the gym, people begin to stare and cover their mouths.  I swear I heard little kids crying and screaming in the background.  As if the Ogar had emerged and frightened the public.  It doesn't even hurt.  It just feels weird.

I've named it Kuato (Total Recall reference for the uninformed).  Check out the resemblance:

I mean they're practically the same thing/life-form.  I'm just sayin'...  We started joking about it while I iced my estranged fluid-filled fun elbow sack.  There's gotta be some weird groups of people somewhere that get off on this kind of stuff.  You know, like a fetish.  Imagine the online outlets:  fluidfilledsacks.com.... or... fluidfilledsackfriendfinder.com.

So, should I go to the doctor? or what?

Xfit 20100222

Workout from www.crossfitsunnyvale.com, Monday 02.22.2010
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Press
5-5-5
Then 3 rounds for time:
21 Kettlebell swings (35#/50#)
15 Box jumps
9 Knees to elbows
3 Push press (use same weight as press)

Time: 13:01
Press @ 85#
KB @ 35#

Detention! That's what she said...

This kid is going places...  Best detention ehh-varr

Barber Shop, Part 2

Original publication date:  2002-12-19 @ 20:51pm
Related Articles:  Second in 3-part series about Barber Shops
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I think I've identified a major flaw or two with my barber shop screening process.

I've been going to this so-called barber shop for a little while now.  And I noticed a few things the other day during my haircut... First, the barber that cut my hair is only there 3 days of the week.  What does he do for the other 2 days of the week?  Curious...  Also, there's a sign hanging in the front that says, "Please inquire about our full line of gifts and collectibles."  What... in the hell???  Starting to give
me that not-so-fresh feeling...  And, then it occurs.  As I'm leaving the barber gives me HIS BUSINESS CARD with his BEEPER number on it.

Hold up just a second.  Roll back tape, Bob.. lets look at this in slow motion...

Part Time Barber? or Stylist Moonlighting in a Wanna-be Barber Shop??  This is just wrong... as I found out later, he works in not one.. not two.. but THREE shops cutting hair.  Wraaanng!  A good barber has usually been at the same location for like 20+ years.  A good barber works in one place:  his shop.  ....which brings me to my next point... 

Collectibles?!  Bring me the manager!  Who is this place owned by anyways?  I noticed that the decor is kinda... well.. different.. but never thought anything of it until my eyes locked on to that 'collectibles and gifts' sign on the wall like a heat-seaking missile.  Then I put it together and inquired to be sure.  This particular establishment is owned by a WOMAN.  Don't get me wrong. This, in itself, is not a bad thing. I'm not a sexist and never have been.  But, where is this female proprietor?  She certainly isn't there.  And she doesn't cut hair either.  She's the owner/manager and I know what this smells like:  either the worst run barber shop in history or the most half-assed attempt at a beauty parlor ever.  In a TRUE barber shop, the head barber, be they male or female, better be cutting hair.  Just wait 'til she starts taking appointments--she'll really start losing customers...

Business Card?!  Why the hell would I call you?!  What the hell am I gonna do... BEEP this guy for a haircut?  And I notice the card says, "Charles blabla, Barber & Stylist"  Oh, strike three buddy.  STYLIST!?!  But.. but... but, the sign outside says "Barber Shop."  Suddenly, I feel dirty.  I feel used and violated.  I paid for my haircut and left.  As I walked down the street to my car the cold wind blew on my thin, t-shirt cloaked back as I tore the business card into little pieces... which I then ate... for fear that someone might find the card on my person or in my house.

Let's recap.  No, wait... Better idea...  we need an APPENDIX to the original screening test.  Here it is:

Appendix A - Barber Shop Screening

The barber shop you are screening is automatically disqualified for any of the following reasons.  Few exceptions made.

• If your barber has a business cardf your barber calls himself a 'stylist' at ANY given time
• If the barber shop has signs posted for the sale of anything other than motor oil, fingernail clippers, combs, or lead fuel additives.  THIS INCLUDES GIFTS AND/OR COLLECTIBLES
• If the owner of the barber shop doesn't cut hair
• If the owner of the barber shop is hardly ever there

Needless to say.. I'm on the hunt again.  Wish me luck, I'm going in...

Barber Shop

Original publication date: 2002-11-06 @ 02:53:05am

Related Articles: First in 3-part series about Barber Shops

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I got a haircut today. Yep.. I always go to a BARBER SHOP. There's no way I'll ever let another "hair stylist" near my hair. This started for me about 6 years ago. Finding a new barber can be a daunting task. I have a little screening process that I go thru to determine if I want them to cut my hair. I'm in the midst of this process currently, since I moved to a new area in June 2002. Here it is:

PHASE 1 -- The phone call

1. Call the barber shop, if they answer the phone ANY other way than, "Barber shop." hang up, they FAIL. Success takes you to step 2.
2. Ask them if they take appointments. If they do, they FAIL. No appointments means walk-in-basis. No old-fashioned barber shop would operate any other way.
3. Ask them how they trim sideburns and necks. If they don't use a straight-edge with hot-lather... FAIL. Electric clippers could be substituted... but, proceed with CAUTION.

PHASE 2 -- The visit

1. Walk in. If they are cutting men's hair with electric clippers and combs, your good. Scissors are allowed on the bangs and in some rare circumstances, such as trimming spurious hairs that the clippers missed.
2. Extra points if the head barber was in the military.
3. If you see a mullet anywhere in the shop.. FAIL. And run...
4. Take a look at the magazines. Hunting mags, Popular Mechanics, auto magazines all score points. Good housekeeping, Cosmo-type mags, and anything involving crafts... YES, FAIL. Run. Check the back of the shop, if there are porno's in the back on a high shelf (so the kids can't get to them) extra points are given. (No, I don't read them... its just a good sign if they are there)
5. More Extra Points: any kind of war memorabilia on the wall, if the barber is a veteran, or if he has gasoline lead additives on display or for sale.

That's the process... its important. And, once you've found your new barber, its time to start building the proper customer-barber relationship. Tips on this in a future entry...

back, way back, back into time...

I used to write regularly. I recently discovered the database backup of all my stories, most of which were posted on vanilladuck.com or dotreed.com (when that was around). I'll be sporadically reposting some of the better content, cleverly filed under "theWayBack". Read it. Or not.

Cheers and happy rainy Saturday ;)